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Friday, April 13, 2007Y
9:42 AM
Bad Luck
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day. One day, when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?" "What dear?", she gently asked. "I think you are bad luck", he said.

Little Johnny Stands Up
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Punishment in Heaven
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

Diver Meets Guy Underwater
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"
The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
Train Set
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're going down the tracks" The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue... "for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."